Whale Warz

Hey Midwestern farmers, those UFOs you spotted last week might have actually been government drones spying on you! They must ensure you do not disobey the new dung regulations. The EPA has decided to start a War On Biology and now regulates where cattle can crap. Evidentially a cow patty or two made its way to a river and all of a sudden the feces brigade is patrolling the skies.

Forget the constitutional implications, I am outraged that the EPA isn’t doing more. I am sick and tired of whales defecating in our oceans! The EPA needs to immediately launch a submarine fleet and systematically destroy ANY creature producing excrement in our glorious waterways.

The undignified citizenry peeing in the pool must become a thing of the past. For generations toddlers, tweens and socialists have freely liberated their bladders in swimming pools nation wide. This indignation must be immediately and forcefully corrected. I DEMAND the EPA install underwater cameras and urine censors in all recreational swimming facilities. Additionally, We must subject all citizens entering pools to CT scans; it is imperative we keep those with small bladders and colon disease out

And finally, something must be done about those disgusting, disgraceful, unseemly, salmon in Alaska. These vile fish have the nerve to mate in OUR Rivers! How dare these cretins of the currents make sweet aquatic love, and God forbid give birth in America's rivers. I am formally calling on the EPA to partner with Planned Parenthood and caviar chefs worldwide to mandate and carry out forced aquatic abortions. Furthermore, the National Institute for Science must quickly clone thousands of bears; without natural predators these disgusting fish will continue to spawn.

Friends, without these drastic measures our civilization will crumble into an abyss of sewage and dysentery. Join me in my call to action and free our society from the grip of biology!

I’m Shane Wright and I’m changing the world, one outburst at a time!